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child inside

Understanding the concept of loneliness



Excerpt from, A Friend Request, by C L Gillmore.

All things considered, I thought I did pretty well dealing with all of it.

Though I did spend many nights, feeling afraid… isolated… lonely. Honestly, I found it hard to understand the concept of aloneness. I wanted to be alone. I was used to being alone. I loved my apartment and the independence it afforded me.

I did long for company—to share with someone, to talk with someone—a friend, a lover maybe. Yet, I purposely chose to feel alone. Even when surrounded by people, I felt alone. I felt alone in a crowd. How could that be? Though I knew all of this must relate in some way to my childhood, I never could make sense of it.

I didn’t look for help in figuring it out, either. I wasn’t comfortable talking with anyone. Who would I talk to?

I didn’t discuss my feelings with anyone other than the child inside me—the one who protected me, who helped me write, who shared my fantasies but reminded me of reality—the one I talked with continually.

I sucked it up like I thought everyone else did, and continued on with my life. My life… alone.

What else was there to do? Only rich or crazy people went to shrinks, and I was neither.